First And Last Goodbye

i am scared of the what ifs
or what might be
i have a thousand reasons
to take your hand
to look at your eyes
to ride at the back of your bike
and mindlessly put my hands
around your waist
while we trod
this unchartered path

i ought to smile back
to say yes
to challenge the waves
and let it be
you are my match
despite the fact that
you are not the
five-feet-seven-inch chinky-eyed
man i wanted to have for me

love goes beyond reason
and beyond what we envisioned ourselves
wayback when
we still have not known
how to perfect a poached egg

no, it is stilly,
it drives even the straightminds crazy
because love goes beyond logic
and that is enough reason
for me to take your hand
to smile back
to kiss the side of your mouth
and lean upon your shoulder

that’s what normal people do

but i hold my own hand
and lean upon this overgrown stuffed bear
that’s been with me since
my first tooth fell

how can i smile at you when
i cannot even look at you
eye to eye

i am letting go of something
that has not even started
i am burning photographs that
have not yet been taken

maybe i’m a little messed up
we all are
i just needed more reason
to break my little bubble
because it is scary out there
to put my heart out and devoid
myself of defenses
i have spent my whole life
putting up

i am letting you go
even
when you were never mine to
begin with.

-AG

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